Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
