You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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