Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
