I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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