I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
