cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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