Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
