when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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