I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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