I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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