I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
