I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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