im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
