"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
