I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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