I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Screwed.edu
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
