I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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