I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
worst night to have a conscience
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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