wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
