I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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