you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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