I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
