i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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