ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
