Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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