he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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