i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
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