So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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