My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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