Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
