half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
