My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
