he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
