Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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