I wish I could punch you in the face.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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