i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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