Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
