I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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