Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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