just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
