xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
