There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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