because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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