How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
