The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
