The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
