Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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