Little spoons don't ask big questions
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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