Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
