My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
