I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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