If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
