Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
