We named our party play list daddy issues
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
