she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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