end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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