my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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